"With My Last Remaining Hope"
Size: 61 cm x 91.5 cm
Medium: Digital Collage
Date: September, 2016
Exhibition Text:
This digital collage is meant to show how my anxieties affect me, and hold me back. I know many of my anxieties are unwarranted, and that they hurt than help. But that doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better.
The done completely digitally, the photos taken with my phone and edited in photoshop.
Size: 61 cm x 91.5 cm
Medium: Digital Collage
Date: September, 2016
Exhibition Text:
This digital collage is meant to show how my anxieties affect me, and hold me back. I know many of my anxieties are unwarranted, and that they hurt than help. But that doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better.
The done completely digitally, the photos taken with my phone and edited in photoshop.
Essay
I know I have nothing to feel this sad about. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, but so has everyone else in my family, and their doing fine. Over 18% of adults have anxiety, so why do I think I’m special. Why do I want to slam my head in a door, or jump off my roof when I don’t get something in school, or when someone calls them on the phone? I don’t have a reason to feel this way. I’m just some spoiled kid that’s upset about not getting what I want. People literally all over have issues hundreds of times worse than me, but, someone made me feel bad about how I look, so I should just drink bleach. I know I’m pathetic, but it’s so hard to not feel this way.
I’ve been socially anxious since 5th grade. Even before then I was too scared to talk to people in a higher grade than I was. There was no traumatic experience, I was never really bullied. I just started to notice I acted a lot like the people I find annoying. I figured if I find myself annoying, everyone else probably does as well. I used to hurt myself, but my parents made my stop. Not all that much has changed from that time. I still think of myself that way; I’ve gone through therapy, but it never seemed to help. I’m on medication to help with my anxiety, but it doesn’t do enough. I’ve stopped hurting myself, but only so my mom would stop worrying. I’m still so ashamed of messing up a conversation, or not understanding something in class.
I’m so scared of confrontation, or letting people down, that I avoid talking to people, even my friends. I know I can be extremely annoying, and talk without thinking, so wouldn’t it be best to just not talk at all? To just avoid being around people? I’m less likely to annoy other people or embarrass myself. But I get lonely so easily. During summer, when people aren’t required to be around me for 5 days a week, I only talk to someone who’s not in my family about 5 times until school starts back up. I know people don’t like to spend their free time around me, but I eventually get to the point where I feel so lazy and lethargic for no reason, but if I ask if can spend time around them, I’ll just be annoying them.
If I think people are getting annoyed with me, I’ll avoid them. I understand this tends to annoy people more, but it’s easier to be pissed at myself than confront them again. I’ve done this to people I'm close to, including most of my friends and my last boyfriend. I knew he would eventually figure out how much of a horrible person I was, but he would be too nice to break it off with me. They say you can’t love another until you love yourself, and honestly I think that might be true.
I’ve been socially anxious since 5th grade. Even before then I was too scared to talk to people in a higher grade than I was. There was no traumatic experience, I was never really bullied. I just started to notice I acted a lot like the people I find annoying. I figured if I find myself annoying, everyone else probably does as well. I used to hurt myself, but my parents made my stop. Not all that much has changed from that time. I still think of myself that way; I’ve gone through therapy, but it never seemed to help. I’m on medication to help with my anxiety, but it doesn’t do enough. I’ve stopped hurting myself, but only so my mom would stop worrying. I’m still so ashamed of messing up a conversation, or not understanding something in class.
I’m so scared of confrontation, or letting people down, that I avoid talking to people, even my friends. I know I can be extremely annoying, and talk without thinking, so wouldn’t it be best to just not talk at all? To just avoid being around people? I’m less likely to annoy other people or embarrass myself. But I get lonely so easily. During summer, when people aren’t required to be around me for 5 days a week, I only talk to someone who’s not in my family about 5 times until school starts back up. I know people don’t like to spend their free time around me, but I eventually get to the point where I feel so lazy and lethargic for no reason, but if I ask if can spend time around them, I’ll just be annoying them.
If I think people are getting annoyed with me, I’ll avoid them. I understand this tends to annoy people more, but it’s easier to be pissed at myself than confront them again. I’ve done this to people I'm close to, including most of my friends and my last boyfriend. I knew he would eventually figure out how much of a horrible person I was, but he would be too nice to break it off with me. They say you can’t love another until you love yourself, and honestly I think that might be true.
Brainstorming
- looked into positions that can express feelings of fighting with ones self.
- I originally planned to use body language that implied more of a hopeless feeling, but decided to focus more on a feeling of slight hope, rather than completely giving up.
- used one-sided MMA fights and music videos with hands holding people back as pose reference
Herschal Walker MMA. Digital image. SherDog. Crave Online Media, n.d. Web. 24 Aug. 2016. Holding Onto You. Digital image. Youtube. Twenty One Pilots, n.d. Web. 8 Sept. 2016. This Is Gospel. Digital image. Youtube. Panic! at the Disco, n.d. Web. 8 Sept. 2016. The Kyrgyz Revolution. Digital image. RVA. N.p., 8 Apr. 2010. Web. 9 Sept. 2016. |
Because my artistic inspiration was from music videos, instead of a more traditional piece, my artist inspiration can be credited to the directors, Daniel "Cloud" Campos and Jordan Bahat. The composers of the music are also important. Because the piece I took inspiration from is a mp4 source, the audio is just as important to the overall message as the visuals. This is Gospel was written and produced by Brendon Urie, Dallon Weekes, Jake Sinclair and Butch Walker. Urie, and his band Panic! at the Disco, is known for a beautiful, deep voice and very fluid sounding music. Holding onto You was written and produced by Twenty One Pilots. Tyler Joseph, the lead vocalist for Twenty One Pilots, has a more high pitched voice and the band usually goes for a strange combination of rock, indie, scream, and rap. Background composing of drumbs and guitar, as well as synthesizers and piano, adds to this strange sound.
In Holding onto You, the people dancing around Joseph as skeletons are meant to represent his thoughts, both positive and negative, and him wanting to hold onto the positive ones, and let go of the negative ones. Almost all of the video is in black and white, and the little color is very muted. This is reflected in my digital collage, as the person has extremely muted color, and the arms are black and white.
In This is Gospel, the doctors holding Urie down are meant to represent the people against Urie. They are believed to be people of the church, because the name and the quote, "If you love me let me go." The color in this video is surprisingly vibrant and well lit, despite the dark background in most shots. This is a style Campos uses in more of his videos, including another Panic! at the Disco video, Emperor's New Clothes At the end of the video, Urie runs off into the light, having escaped the doctors and the coffin. This is used in my digital collage, as the person tries to get away into the light.
In Holding onto You, the people dancing around Joseph as skeletons are meant to represent his thoughts, both positive and negative, and him wanting to hold onto the positive ones, and let go of the negative ones. Almost all of the video is in black and white, and the little color is very muted. This is reflected in my digital collage, as the person has extremely muted color, and the arms are black and white.
In This is Gospel, the doctors holding Urie down are meant to represent the people against Urie. They are believed to be people of the church, because the name and the quote, "If you love me let me go." The color in this video is surprisingly vibrant and well lit, despite the dark background in most shots. This is a style Campos uses in more of his videos, including another Panic! at the Disco video, Emperor's New Clothes At the end of the video, Urie runs off into the light, having escaped the doctors and the coffin. This is used in my digital collage, as the person tries to get away into the light.
Process
Planning
I started to sketch out basic forms of how i wanted my finished collage to look, including a basic background and how i would pose for the camera.
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There where two idea's I tried to work with. I was originally going to use imagery from the second and third pictures in my practice sketches, but decided trying to line the shot up would be too hard, and making sure all of the different parts lined up would take too much time. I needed a new idea.
I eventually came up with the idea of having arms come out and grab me, from the back, from watching some of my favorite music videos. In these videos, arms grabbing the "main character" were used to show a feeling of anxiety and depression, while still showing how the character hasn't given up, as they fight to break out of there grasp. The imagery of the first idea focused more on how I tend to be to harsh on myself, while the imagery of my second idea is more for showing how I haven't given up yet. |
ExperimentationBecause this was my first time using Photoshop seriously, i had to experiment with the program a lot. The first few class periods were spent learning about Photoshop, and how to use some of the tools. There are still some tools that I would still like to know how to use better, but didn't have the time or necessity to practice with for this piece.
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Photoshoping ProcessBecause Photoshop was still very new to me, I had to spend quite a bit of time figuring some of the more basic tools. In my digital collage, i used:
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Reflection
If given the option and time, I feel like I would redo this project completely. I wanted a more dynamic pose, but do to time limitations and the fact that this would be my first time using Photoshop, I decided to settle for an easier pose to photograph and manipulate. I would have more time to play with the filters and tools, to find what has the best effects, but because I started so late, I needed to settle with one of the first things I had done.
It took me a long time to experiment with everything, sense i wasn't sure what I was doing. I needed to do it, or my digital collage would be extremely boring, but it took so long, I didn't get to do as much as I wanted and I had to settle for less.
My artist inspiration was also hard to connect, and information on music video directors isn't readily available, nor reliable. I would honestly change just about everything in this piece, including where I draw inspiration from.
It took me a long time to experiment with everything, sense i wasn't sure what I was doing. I needed to do it, or my digital collage would be extremely boring, but it took so long, I didn't get to do as much as I wanted and I had to settle for less.
My artist inspiration was also hard to connect, and information on music video directors isn't readily available, nor reliable. I would honestly change just about everything in this piece, including where I draw inspiration from.
ACT Questions
1.Clearly explain the cause-effect relationship between your inspiration and it's effect upon your artwork.
Before coming up with the ideas, you have to draw inspiration from somewhere. Although I had come up with idea, I didn't know how to implement it do to my limitations with Photoshop. I was able to draw inspiration from a non-traditional source, music videos. I recognized a common theme in emo/indie-rock videos and decided to draw inspiration from that instead of a more traditional art form, like a painting or drawing.
2.What was the overall approach the author had regarding the topic of your inspiration?
The sources i used for my research was IMDb and IMVDb, which means the source was almost entirely non-biased. IMDb and IMVDb gives a simple account of almost all of the projects the artist has worked on over the years, from high-school bands to triple-A projects. The non-biased information allows me to draw my own conclusions, from other sources the creator also made. Campos worked on two very popular music videos, This Is Gospel, and it's "sequel", Emperor's New Clothes. It's main meaning is left to be interpreted by the beholder.
3. What kind of generalizations and conclusions have you discovered about people, ideas, cultures, etc. while you researched your inspiration.
Both inspirations are from the same category of music, and a lot of people who listen to one of these likely listens to the other too. They both have similar themes, of something holding them back, and needing to escape. These are common themes in most pop-rock videos, I just happened to find two videos that used the same way to show these themes.
4. What was the central theme around your inspirational research.
At first I was trying to find images that were violent in nature, then when I decided to change the theme to something that holds me back, I looked for people being held back from behind, and hands grabbing at other people. A central theme between all of these images is physical contact, and one person having more control than the other.
5. What kind of inferences did you make while reading your research.
IMDb isn't a super reliable source. They often times leave things off of the pages or get small facts wrong, so I had to fact check them against other sites as well. Most of the music videos they worked on are on YouTube, and usually has the band, producer and director in the description. Which makes checking IMDb and IMVDb easier. The information was also on the Wikipedia article for the song, and if all three sources, including the official music video, then the facts are probably true. I had to trust these sites because there was little official information on them.
Before coming up with the ideas, you have to draw inspiration from somewhere. Although I had come up with idea, I didn't know how to implement it do to my limitations with Photoshop. I was able to draw inspiration from a non-traditional source, music videos. I recognized a common theme in emo/indie-rock videos and decided to draw inspiration from that instead of a more traditional art form, like a painting or drawing.
2.What was the overall approach the author had regarding the topic of your inspiration?
The sources i used for my research was IMDb and IMVDb, which means the source was almost entirely non-biased. IMDb and IMVDb gives a simple account of almost all of the projects the artist has worked on over the years, from high-school bands to triple-A projects. The non-biased information allows me to draw my own conclusions, from other sources the creator also made. Campos worked on two very popular music videos, This Is Gospel, and it's "sequel", Emperor's New Clothes. It's main meaning is left to be interpreted by the beholder.
3. What kind of generalizations and conclusions have you discovered about people, ideas, cultures, etc. while you researched your inspiration.
Both inspirations are from the same category of music, and a lot of people who listen to one of these likely listens to the other too. They both have similar themes, of something holding them back, and needing to escape. These are common themes in most pop-rock videos, I just happened to find two videos that used the same way to show these themes.
4. What was the central theme around your inspirational research.
At first I was trying to find images that were violent in nature, then when I decided to change the theme to something that holds me back, I looked for people being held back from behind, and hands grabbing at other people. A central theme between all of these images is physical contact, and one person having more control than the other.
5. What kind of inferences did you make while reading your research.
IMDb isn't a super reliable source. They often times leave things off of the pages or get small facts wrong, so I had to fact check them against other sites as well. Most of the music videos they worked on are on YouTube, and usually has the band, producer and director in the description. Which makes checking IMDb and IMVDb easier. The information was also on the Wikipedia article for the song, and if all three sources, including the official music video, then the facts are probably true. I had to trust these sites because there was little official information on them.